Owner of a Lonely Heart

Forty years ago, the Beatles asked the world a simple question: they wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely, the surgical wing of hospitals. As surgeons, we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people's friends and families. Which means that, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.

To document the day we adopted Russell (he was known as Jasper in the animal shelter)...  

28.09.2010

Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion on being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course it was fancier when he said it. No man is an island entire unto himself. Boil down that island talk and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. And who's to say that someone can't have four legs. Someone to play with, or run around with, or just hang out.

Make Me Lose Control

I cried on Saturday... after so long. I went to the patio, sat down on the ledge and stared out. I felt the familiar aching... I felt my nose feeling weird, I felt my heart crying... and I cried. I thought I wouldn't... but I did and I lose control. Revisiting the past always make me feel as though my whole world is crashing down, again and again.

You'll always be my baby, Dawn...

No one likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it's scary as hell. If there's an upside to free-falling, it's the chance you give your friends to catch you.

16 March 2010

Baileys baby is a big girl now!

Shake Your Groove Thing

"Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers."

So, last night while I was falling asleep, BB suddenly asked me who is J. And the obvious answer got followed up with him waving his iphone infront of me, showing me the latest update on my Facebook wall. My sister posted on my wall, exclaiming that J is back!! Imagine The waves of relief that washed over me at that moment, I was all chocked up. 

Thankful that J is back home, with no trouble and thankful that all is well for Baileys.  =) She's going back home next week as J's dad just had an operation and I'll continue praying that everything will be well for her.

So, I woke up at 6:30 this morning (man... when can I ever shake off this jetlag thing????????), shower, changed and when we were getting out of the apartment, I got Russ to take a picture of what I'm wearing today. Hahhaaha... I've always wanted to do posts of what I wear daily (friends know the insane amount of clothes I have....+ shoes & bags and everything else) but never got to it, so I guess with the birth of this blog, it might be a good chance. 

Besides, I was just telling Russ that when I look around our apartment, I feel like one of those hoarders (watched too much Bio channel) and I think I need to keep myself in check. Like SERIOUSLY!!!!!! Well, I've so much responsibilities now, paying rent, saving to buy a car, aiming to study for my Masters by next year and paying whatever shit....

That aside, so Russ is the world's worst photographer and took this picture (I told him that it's not neccessary to have my face in it, but just look at the composition of the image @@) FML ok, on second look, it's not that bad. Thanks, BB!

 Black knitted dress - H&M

Outer Coat - that I bought during my biz trip to Taipei last December... It was sold by some random vendor on the street and my colleague got a good bargain for me!  I <3 the prints & colors!

Stockings - Taipei (speaking of which, I miss shopping in Taipei. Particularly, Shilin Night Market... Cheap & Cute finds!)

Longchamp Bag - BB got it for me when we were in Vegas! Man, this is the best deal ever @ $99 and it was the Modele Depose model which normally costs more than the Le Pliages model. Anyhooooo, you'll start to notice that I always get gifts from Russ when he makes me mad or upset. LOL

Boots - Charles & Keith

And a closer look at my stockings! 

 Man, this is also like the 4th day of my "1st week" at work and it's been fine so far. I've been trying my best not to screw up (yet) but my new NB has been screwing me up, giving me blue screen for like godknowswhat reasons. Geez... Waiting for my new NB which is like one of the latest model in the market. Woot woot!

Till then!

No Man's Land

There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.

Woke up this morning at 6am
Stared at my phone
Logged on MSN, talked to Jessica for a bit. 
Stared at my phone, cried.


I've never been under so much stress (is this considered stress?) before that I actually broke down and cry. The pressure of whether I will do well in the job, my life in States, my relationship, worrying about Baileys... all these amounts to something that I can no longer handle.


When I made the decision not to bring Baileys over with me, I was depending on the fact that J will take care of her well cause it really seem like it. But something so unexpected had to happen, makes me think that I am making mistakes after mistakes, leading to a life of misery for Baileys.

Baileys is all settled, staying with si dan li for the time being, but I can't help but feel that she must be thinking that she is unlovable, that she is not wanted; when in fact, she is loved, loved by me, by us, by God. Pa asked sis not to tell me what is going on, to hide it from me... I guess, just so that I won't worry. But tell me, how not to?

In fact, I don't even know what I am rambling about. I only know that I need to speak. I need to say something. I need to get something out because this is killing me. I know, in fact that anyone and everyone would question me why I didn't just bring her in the first place but as I mentioned in my last entry, I did put a lot of thought in this. Trust me, a decision like this kills more than anything else.

All I want now, is for Baileys to have a good life. I'm praying that everything works out well because I know God is good.

Winning a Battle, Losing the War

The title of this entry couldn't be more apt.

The past 2 week has been really crazy... With something that I feared the most, coming back to haunt me. Long story short, Baileys (she was supposed to be mine but my mom was really crazily against me having her) was given up by her owners. And the reasons? That they rented a flat, sublet the flat and their tenants are really scared of dogs thus they have to give her up. Now, tell me? What kind of f-ing lame excuse is this????? In the first place, if you truly love your dog, would you have not screened your tenants beforehand? Making sure that they like dogs or not even renting your damn rented flat out to them if they cannot accept your dog?

Geez, talking about them makes my blood boil.

Anyway, back to Baileys. So it was a frenzy trying to find a good home for her and deciding if I should bring her back to the states with me. I had a long talk (actually several) with Russ and we even fought about it. I find it hard to explain to people why I eventually made the decision to let her go and allow my sister's friend to adopt her. Maybe to others, my reasons are weak and are just excuses but trust me, the emotional turmoil I went though, almost killed me.

I wish I can give her a good life but at the same time, my life has already feel as though someone pressed the fast forward button. Everything going in crazy speed. Meeting Russ, dating Russ, finding an apartment, living together, being apart for few weeks every now and then (because of my pending visa application but I got it!) and to wanting to import Baileys into the states.

I know I can do it because to me, money is always a secondary issue. But with so many other things I have to think about, allowing her to go to her current home is really the wisest decision at this moment.

I cannot deny that I miss her and I feel the tinges of pain everytime I think about her but at the same time, I feel happy for her and I hope that this time round, this home is hers for life. Simply because she really deserves it. Maybe I can repeat myself a thousand and a million times why I made this decision but I know, ultimately it's how people choose to look at me. I'm not going to defend myself because I don't have to.

Everyone who knows me, know that I am a crazy dog lover. I wish I have a lab right now but circumstances prevent me from doing so. I don't know. I know I will work harder to move into a bigger apartment on the first level, so that I can have a dog that can run around freely without fearing that it might jump off the patio. Yet at the same time, I don't know if I would still stay in the states after my visa expires in 3 years time (this is also 1 of the reason why I don't wanna bring Baileys over)? Russ told me that he will get the dog and if anything happens, the dog will still always be with him (if i leave the states). For every reason that I could think of to bring Baileys over, I have reasons not to.

I don't expect anyone to understand or agree but its our decision to do so. Even if next time, we get a lab within the year or next... it is also our decision. I only have myself and Baileys to answer to.

The First Cut is the Deepest

Today, I experienced one of the most touching moments of my life. I see how my best friend (Serenity), my brother's girlfriend (Jess) and my sister tried to help me without any hesitation. But what matters to me most right at the moment was, my sister's reaction when I told her I needed help.

No questions asked, no reservation and she jumped right into the situation to help me. All these, make me feel like a failure as a sister. Many would know that my sister and I are not on good talking terms and it was not until recently when I have to move away because of work, we became better. It has been more than 10 years and more often than not, my father will always tell me that nothing else hurts him more than seeing his 2 daughters on bad terms.

I tried to salvage the relationship many times but at the same time, I know I didn't put in that much of an effort as I should. But I remember when I learned of her breakup with her ex boyfriend (from Jess... hahaha she pao tor!), I was crying when I was telling Serenity and Russ about it, how much I know it pained her to go through that. Right there and then, I wished I could talk to her and comfort her but I couldn't because i Knew that she won't talk to me.

I wish I can be a better sister than what I am now and I know, this is the time to start.