Into You like A Train

Meredith: In general, people can be categorized in one of two ways — those who love surprises and those who don't. I don't. I've never met a surgeon that enjoys a surprise, because as surgeons, we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know, because when we aren't, people die and lawsuits happen. Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling. Okay, so my point, actually, and I do have one, has nothing to do with surprises or death or lawsuits, or even surgeons. My point is this: whoever said "What you don't know can’t hurt you", was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. Okay, fine. Maybe it's the second worst.

As surgeons, there are so many things we have to know. We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients... and how to take care of each other. Eventually, we even have to figure out how to take care of ourselves. As surgeons we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope.

Bring the Pain

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Went to Russ's friend's house yesterday for a BBQ and I told Russ that I miss my friends... especially my BFF. Whatsapp the BFF and told her how I feel and realized that I am not alone, in the way I am feeling and missing her.

Sometimes in life, you find someone that you know in the very core of your soul that "ah, there she/he is... my friend, my soulmate, my sister...the part in my life that is irreplaceable..." 

 Living apart in 2 different countries, 2 different continents and 2 different time zones, we are 2 souls forging forward as one... Fighting for our lives, our careers and happiness. We are both at a seemingly different yet similar stage of our lives, without each other physically around. Somehow, I really feel that when you reach a certain age or stage in your life, making friends seem to become a challenge. To me, at least. When the bff told me about how "a part of us is missing", I couldn't agree more. There are things that our colleagues or acquaintances or friends and even boyfriends, cannot fulfill. Things are that "special" just between those best friends. 

Honestly, ever since I moved here, I never stop telling Russ how much I wish the bff is here with me. There's so much things I want to show her and share with her. I even tried to persuade the bff's bf (hahahaha) to move here so that we can all be together but as he said "it is not realistic right now"... =( I cannot deny that I feel sad and I am so selfish, hoping that my bff doesn't have those liability (ahhahahahah IT'S ALL MR LEE'S FAULT AND THAT STUPID HOUSE) so she could just move here easily, anytime with my god son. Hhaha but realistically, I know it is not possible and I will wait patiently. 

Well, we never know what's gonna happen in 3 years' time! 

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more. 

Deny Deny Deny

We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Unashamed - Starfield

I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face

You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings. Sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. Once you focus on the gifts instead of the problems, your whole perspective will change and you will see blessings everywhere. 

Make Me Lose Control

I cried on Saturday... after so long. I went to the patio, sat down on the ledge and stared out. I felt the familiar aching... I felt my nose feeling weird, I felt my heart crying... and I cried. I thought I wouldn't... but I did and I lose control. Revisiting the past always make me feel as though my whole world is crashing down, again and again.

You'll always be my baby, Dawn...

No one likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it's scary as hell. If there's an upside to free-falling, it's the chance you give your friends to catch you.

Enough Is Enough (No More Tears)

So, Russ was away for the last weekend on a business trip to Seattle and look what he got me!!!! 

Grey's Anatomy Scrubs!!!

 *Ignore the mess, we are going to move out soon thus the craziness!

Hhahaa, I know Calvin will love this too but that was the last set and it was Large!! But I give Russ extra brownie points for remembering what I like and getting it for me (this was a total surprise, unlike the rose incident.. hahahahah). 

 

There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

 *Edited at 4:30pm

I just read about a girl committing suicide over her broken relationship with her boyfriend. I went to the Facebook page created by her friends in memory of her and I cried going through her pictures. I don't know her personally but I cried for her pain because I can relate to it. If a broken relationship is really what caused her death, I wished that she didn't do it. My close friends know that I went through a really difficult and tough time 2 years ago and every time I think about it, I can still feel that pain. The saddest thing was, I almost took my life because of the failed relationship as well. If not for my best friends who stood by me, carried me through and was there every step of the healing process (and T, whom I knew through her blog and me randomly writing to her... I wrote about her few entries back), I don't think I would be where I am today. 

I don't think anyone could really understand the pain that the girl must have gone through. In the news article, the media mentioned that the girl blogged about her fearing that she might not be able to love again... All of which, the exact same things... I've told my friends. I wished that she was stronger though and that she had looked for someone to talk it through and most of all, I wished that she didn't take her life away. Because, she would be able to see how beautiful her life would turn out to be without that person she thinks she love with her life & might in it. She will learned that despite the broken heart, the pain, the aching, the tears... Life is worth living. I loved that man with all my heart, all my might, with my life... he broke my heart, left me thinking that life is no longer worth living and that I can NEVER EVER love anyone else. I remember telling Calvin that after loving someone so much, I don't know how it would be ever possible to love someone else with such passion or the same, needless to say to love more. But I learned that it's possible. Because you love the new person with a different kind of love and you can love the person even more. 

CL told me (2 years ago) that one day when I look back at the things I've done, tears that I've cried, insults & injustice that I've put up with... everything... I will look back and laugh. Laugh at how stupid and silly I was. And when I told him I am in a new relationship, he asked me if I feel that way... I do. Honestly, I do. Even though I don't regret doing all those things that I've done, trying to get that man back in my life and trying to take my life away... But I do feel kinda silly. But I guess, that was part of the process... to get over a broken heart. And she who chose to do it, must have taken a lot of courage to. She left behind more broken hearts than she can imagine... I hope, the pain and hurt for her, is gone now. 

 Love, is not love if you have never experience heartache...  

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

Just a random update... Geez, I cannot even remember when all these things took place!
 Start spamming with my narcissistic images of what I wore... I'm really so proud of myself because I have been exhausting all the clothes I have and trying to wear the same thing a few times (which I never did in the past... I normally wear the same clothes probably months later!). Or probably because I only have those few pieces suitable for the cold weather? Hhahahaa


Week of 5th April - 9th April...

So... sometime last week, I dig out the box of instant ramen that I bought when I was transiting in the Narita airport during my last trip back to SG. Decided to cook it for dinner since it was going to expire soon.

Comes in 4 different flavour... Read it yourself.

We always have some random side dishes... in this case, Russ' favourite roast duck from Marina (Hahha nowadays when I buy food, I always imagine what Calvin might wanna eat when she visits!)

Not to forget the staples, random kind of Kimchi!!!

I love this top sooooooooo much although its really short and if I were to wear it with anything that's not high-waisted, my tatt will be revealed.

Sorry, my house lighting is too crappy and I'm using my iphone.. Hahha

The skirt below is different from what I'm wearing up there! But I know, can't tell... crap

Random pictures of flowers I took outside of the apartment... SPRING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to me...

Spammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

And Russ bought me a stalk of rose! He actually called me on his way home and ask me if I am hungry because he is going to buy me a rose and will be late for 10mins. Some kind of surprise huh?

Okkkkkkkkk, last picture!!! Taken yesterday... the weather was gorgeous... Or should I say, HOT?! We went to test drive a few BMWs (Russ did...even though I'm the one buying. Hahha) but I've more or less decided on what I want!