Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

 Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth—honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree, whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth, the truth freaking hurts.

Sometimes, you lie to yourself that things will get better in time, happiness is within your grasp. But you slowly realised that it's not true because no matter how hard you try, happiness delude you. Life is like a stop motion film, you go through each day with the same momentum and everyday, it ends the same way. 

No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. So we lie.

No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. So we lie.

Begin the Begin

Fresh starts thanks to the calendar they happen every year —just set your watch to January, our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of new years resolutions, put your past behind you and start over. It’s hard to resist the chance of a new beginning, a chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

All I want is for 2010 to end on a good note. A month away before 2010 ends, i can't help but look back at this year and reflect. I realised that I have a lot of good things going on for me, I also have a lot of unpleasant things. But that's life, isn't it? When you choose to look past certain things (negative, unhappy) and not talk about it, what does that mean? That you are just contended the way it is right now or you can't simply be bothered?  Some things in life are worth holding on to, some are not. And I wonder, what are the determining factors for that? 


Maybe I am contented the way things are right now... And hey, one of the best things that happened to me is moving here. Reason being.... that's only for me to know. 

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year, it’s an event —big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it's also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

Owner of a Lonely Heart

Forty years ago, the Beatles asked the world a simple question: they wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely, the surgical wing of hospitals. As surgeons, we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people's friends and families. Which means that, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.

To document the day we adopted Russell (he was known as Jasper in the animal shelter)...  

28.09.2010

Four hundred years ago, another well-known English guy had an opinion on being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course it was fancier when he said it. No man is an island entire unto himself. Boil down that island talk and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. And who's to say that someone can't have four legs. Someone to play with, or run around with, or just hang out.

Much too Much

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

Bro said that my blog is dead and to be honest, I have absolutely no inspiration on what to write. A day-to-day documentation of my life would be too boring for everyone. Its always the same thing, work, work,work and more workkkkkkkk....Somehow, I find it ironic how, supposedly a blog is for you to pen down your thoughts, emotions and feelings but yet, somehow, sometimes... it is just not possible. 

I've learned so much about life within the 1 year span that I've spent here. I learned to appreciate the fact that in life, you give and take. And you just have to learn how to let go. Not that I don't know about this since my dad always teaches us about that. But, the art of letting go, be it in any situation, is not easy at all. Letting go of the fact that you get maligned for some f-up situation at work? Not easy. Yet, being here... somehow, I mastered it. I guess, its the environment and survival instincts. I learned that some people are just bullshit and they will always be, no matter how much hope you place in them that they are not as bad as they seem. But bullshit will always be bullshit. A leopard will never change its spots. I learned that some things in life, may seem important at certain points and it doesn't feel good to have to let it go, but you actually feel better after while and you will actually be glad that you did it. I learned that no matter what nonsense or shit another person can say about you, that's because they are the same and when they put you down first, they are being "cleared" of those things. I learned that some people, some people are never meant to be in your life as a permanent fixtures. They are just stops along the way in your life to experience different things. I learned that no matter what others think of you, and treat you as though you are nothing when you have poured in everything for them, you are worth more than what they are. I learned that some times, when things get so frustrating, all you have to do is to go back to your desk, put on your earphones, listen to some songs and everything will be ok again. I learned that, even though someone is your "superior", it doesn't mean that they are always right and will not make any mistakes. They do because they are human.

I learned that life is too short, to have all these issues troubling me.

 

Thanks for the Memories

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, they all mean the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not.

By now, if you are a great Grey's Anatomy fan like me; you'd have realized that all my entry title is actually the episode title. I don't know how but everytime I start an entry, the quote seems to fit exactly what I'm feeling at the moment or what I want to say... The most ironic thing is, this particular episode reminds me why I am unhappy... because of something that was said before.

I know I have been saying this over and over again but it has been a tough month for me, emotionally. But I guess, it's all better now. Sometimes in life, when you let things go and not take it too literally, it's always a bit easier. I'm not saying to be totally nonchalant but just bit a teeny weeny bit detached from those things that are making you unhappy. I wish I can put into words exactly what I'm feeling but I think its better left unsaid. 

I look at things around me, and I wonder... Should I be happy with all that I have now? Yes, I do... I'm actually grateful (note that it's gratitude) because it actually made me realized and see things that, even though I don't want to... I did. 

Well... Life... there's always light at the end of the tunnel. 

Never realized how crooked my jaw is until this picture... Guess I will always be perfectly imperfect.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. 

Let It Be

In the eighth grade my English class had to read Romeo & Juliet. Then for extra credit, Mrs. Snyder made us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo. As fate would have it, I was Juliet… all the other girls were jealous, but I had a slightly different take. I told Mrs. Snyder that Juliet was an idiot. For starters she falls for the one guy she knows she can’t have, then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Mrs. Snyder explained to me that when fate comes into play choice sometimes goes out the window. At the ripe old age of 13 I was very clear that love like life is about making choices. And fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it’s so romantic, Romeo and Juliet, true love, how sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink the bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum, she deserved whatever she got. 

Growing up, nobody told me how life would be like when you gets older. I always believe that life is all about fate & destiny and that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, people tell me I think too much... sometimes people tell me that I should be contented with what I have and life, well... is life. 

I felt depressed for a few days now, I cried for a few nights, I slept, I wake, I showered, I ate, I went to work and I did everything that I should do and everyone expects me to do. And I wondered, if I am existing in a dream and not reality (watching Inception made it worse). This morning, I was talking to my director about a project and I don't know why, the familiar ache came crawling back, gripping my heart so tightly that for a moment, that moment, I couldn't breathe. And I felt my nose crinkling and my eyes becoming watery. Yes, I wanted to cry. Right there and then. For reasons, only God knows. I came out of his room (of course, I didn't cry in front of him! I am too tough for that) and begin to work with a vengeance. Then, I opened up my msn and begin to talk to a friend I just got to know recently (2 weeks to be precise). Speaking of which, don't you think it's funny? How you can know someone for such a short time yet, you felt as though you guys are meant to be friends or seem to be friends for a really long time already. 

And so, I began chatting with her. I didn't even begin to say anything but only to tell her I am depressed. I don't know why I did that, especially to someone I just knew! But right at that moment, I think I can tell her and I hope she would understand. I was tearing when I was talking to her and I barely told her my story. Went out for lunch, came back and continued my sob story with her. And something that she told me, touches the very raw chord of my heart. She said "one never really heals, you just change". How true is that? I realized that I've changed so much over the recent years and I am not sure if that made me a better person, or not?

I'm not going into the long grandmother story on the reasons why I am depressed but I definitely felt better after talking to her. Well, tomorrow is a brand new day and life is good, despite all these bullshit!

My fringe is so long now!

Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while, and then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would have been okay. I told Mrs. Snyder that when I was grown up, I'd take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Snyder said that I'd be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone, and that if I did, we'd be together forever. Even now, I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending...most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions... fate wins anyway.

Something to Talk About

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

Some things are better left unsaid.

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.