Much too Much

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

Bro said that my blog is dead and to be honest, I have absolutely no inspiration on what to write. A day-to-day documentation of my life would be too boring for everyone. Its always the same thing, work, work,work and more workkkkkkkk....Somehow, I find it ironic how, supposedly a blog is for you to pen down your thoughts, emotions and feelings but yet, somehow, sometimes... it is just not possible. 

I've learned so much about life within the 1 year span that I've spent here. I learned to appreciate the fact that in life, you give and take. And you just have to learn how to let go. Not that I don't know about this since my dad always teaches us about that. But, the art of letting go, be it in any situation, is not easy at all. Letting go of the fact that you get maligned for some f-up situation at work? Not easy. Yet, being here... somehow, I mastered it. I guess, its the environment and survival instincts. I learned that some people are just bullshit and they will always be, no matter how much hope you place in them that they are not as bad as they seem. But bullshit will always be bullshit. A leopard will never change its spots. I learned that some things in life, may seem important at certain points and it doesn't feel good to have to let it go, but you actually feel better after while and you will actually be glad that you did it. I learned that no matter what nonsense or shit another person can say about you, that's because they are the same and when they put you down first, they are being "cleared" of those things. I learned that some people, some people are never meant to be in your life as a permanent fixtures. They are just stops along the way in your life to experience different things. I learned that no matter what others think of you, and treat you as though you are nothing when you have poured in everything for them, you are worth more than what they are. I learned that some times, when things get so frustrating, all you have to do is to go back to your desk, put on your earphones, listen to some songs and everything will be ok again. I learned that, even though someone is your "superior", it doesn't mean that they are always right and will not make any mistakes. They do because they are human.

I learned that life is too short, to have all these issues troubling me.

 

Thanks for the Memories

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, they all mean the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not.

By now, if you are a great Grey's Anatomy fan like me; you'd have realized that all my entry title is actually the episode title. I don't know how but everytime I start an entry, the quote seems to fit exactly what I'm feeling at the moment or what I want to say... The most ironic thing is, this particular episode reminds me why I am unhappy... because of something that was said before.

I know I have been saying this over and over again but it has been a tough month for me, emotionally. But I guess, it's all better now. Sometimes in life, when you let things go and not take it too literally, it's always a bit easier. I'm not saying to be totally nonchalant but just bit a teeny weeny bit detached from those things that are making you unhappy. I wish I can put into words exactly what I'm feeling but I think its better left unsaid. 

I look at things around me, and I wonder... Should I be happy with all that I have now? Yes, I do... I'm actually grateful (note that it's gratitude) because it actually made me realized and see things that, even though I don't want to... I did. 

Well... Life... there's always light at the end of the tunnel. 

Never realized how crooked my jaw is until this picture... Guess I will always be perfectly imperfect.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. 

Let It Be

In the eighth grade my English class had to read Romeo & Juliet. Then for extra credit, Mrs. Snyder made us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo. As fate would have it, I was Juliet… all the other girls were jealous, but I had a slightly different take. I told Mrs. Snyder that Juliet was an idiot. For starters she falls for the one guy she knows she can’t have, then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Mrs. Snyder explained to me that when fate comes into play choice sometimes goes out the window. At the ripe old age of 13 I was very clear that love like life is about making choices. And fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it’s so romantic, Romeo and Juliet, true love, how sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink the bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum, she deserved whatever she got. 

Growing up, nobody told me how life would be like when you gets older. I always believe that life is all about fate & destiny and that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, people tell me I think too much... sometimes people tell me that I should be contented with what I have and life, well... is life. 

I felt depressed for a few days now, I cried for a few nights, I slept, I wake, I showered, I ate, I went to work and I did everything that I should do and everyone expects me to do. And I wondered, if I am existing in a dream and not reality (watching Inception made it worse). This morning, I was talking to my director about a project and I don't know why, the familiar ache came crawling back, gripping my heart so tightly that for a moment, that moment, I couldn't breathe. And I felt my nose crinkling and my eyes becoming watery. Yes, I wanted to cry. Right there and then. For reasons, only God knows. I came out of his room (of course, I didn't cry in front of him! I am too tough for that) and begin to work with a vengeance. Then, I opened up my msn and begin to talk to a friend I just got to know recently (2 weeks to be precise). Speaking of which, don't you think it's funny? How you can know someone for such a short time yet, you felt as though you guys are meant to be friends or seem to be friends for a really long time already. 

And so, I began chatting with her. I didn't even begin to say anything but only to tell her I am depressed. I don't know why I did that, especially to someone I just knew! But right at that moment, I think I can tell her and I hope she would understand. I was tearing when I was talking to her and I barely told her my story. Went out for lunch, came back and continued my sob story with her. And something that she told me, touches the very raw chord of my heart. She said "one never really heals, you just change". How true is that? I realized that I've changed so much over the recent years and I am not sure if that made me a better person, or not?

I'm not going into the long grandmother story on the reasons why I am depressed but I definitely felt better after talking to her. Well, tomorrow is a brand new day and life is good, despite all these bullshit!

My fringe is so long now!

Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while, and then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would have been okay. I told Mrs. Snyder that when I was grown up, I'd take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Snyder said that I'd be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone, and that if I did, we'd be together forever. Even now, I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending...most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions... fate wins anyway.

Something to Talk About

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

Some things are better left unsaid.

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

Into You like A Train

Meredith: In general, people can be categorized in one of two ways — those who love surprises and those who don't. I don't. I've never met a surgeon that enjoys a surprise, because as surgeons, we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know, because when we aren't, people die and lawsuits happen. Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling. Okay, so my point, actually, and I do have one, has nothing to do with surprises or death or lawsuits, or even surgeons. My point is this: whoever said "What you don't know can’t hurt you", was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. Okay, fine. Maybe it's the second worst.

As surgeons, there are so many things we have to know. We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients... and how to take care of each other. Eventually, we even have to figure out how to take care of ourselves. As surgeons we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope.

Bring the Pain

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Went to Russ's friend's house yesterday for a BBQ and I told Russ that I miss my friends... especially my BFF. Whatsapp the BFF and told her how I feel and realized that I am not alone, in the way I am feeling and missing her.

Sometimes in life, you find someone that you know in the very core of your soul that "ah, there she/he is... my friend, my soulmate, my sister...the part in my life that is irreplaceable..." 

 Living apart in 2 different countries, 2 different continents and 2 different time zones, we are 2 souls forging forward as one... Fighting for our lives, our careers and happiness. We are both at a seemingly different yet similar stage of our lives, without each other physically around. Somehow, I really feel that when you reach a certain age or stage in your life, making friends seem to become a challenge. To me, at least. When the bff told me about how "a part of us is missing", I couldn't agree more. There are things that our colleagues or acquaintances or friends and even boyfriends, cannot fulfill. Things are that "special" just between those best friends. 

Honestly, ever since I moved here, I never stop telling Russ how much I wish the bff is here with me. There's so much things I want to show her and share with her. I even tried to persuade the bff's bf (hahahaha) to move here so that we can all be together but as he said "it is not realistic right now"... =( I cannot deny that I feel sad and I am so selfish, hoping that my bff doesn't have those liability (ahhahahahah IT'S ALL MR LEE'S FAULT AND THAT STUPID HOUSE) so she could just move here easily, anytime with my god son. Hhaha but realistically, I know it is not possible and I will wait patiently. 

Well, we never know what's gonna happen in 3 years' time! 

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more. 

Deny Deny Deny

We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?